no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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