You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
