My room smells like vodka and shame
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
