My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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