Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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