So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
