one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
