in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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