my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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