What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
