We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
