I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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