Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
