ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
