I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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