Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
