My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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