I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You ruined the universe
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
