i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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