i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
porn star boner night. come get it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
