My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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