I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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