I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
