you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
