he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It was confusing and full of hummus
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just found puke in my bra..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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