You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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