im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
