Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
another moral hangover. fuck.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
