Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my sisters under your porch take her home
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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