I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
