I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
