I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
