She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
