i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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