i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
