My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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