We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
