omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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