final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
