Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
