when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
