Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize