So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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