UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You need Xanax blowdarts
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
