i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
