Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
