We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I love you. Go after that dick
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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