I just threw up on my dentist
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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