I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
whose ass print is on the piano?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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