Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize