I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
