I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
