We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
