I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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