I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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