During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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