I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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