God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
