Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
