speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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